Face-Lift 1527

Guess the Plot

Broken Algorithms 

1. When Mia's basement-dwelling adult son leaves his Facebook account open, she notices some unexpected posts in his feed. Either the algorithm is broken, or he's thinking of pulling a Norman Bates.

2. When the government mandates that everyone marry their algorithm-chosen soulmate, Amelia isn't thrilled with the man chosen for her. But if she complains, she'll lose her job, as she works for the algorithm developer.

3. Molly's formula for dating: Find man - sing karaoke to him - buy him ice cream - take him home to meet her mother. She's starting to think she might need to revise her process.

4. When burnt out college student Francis finds a genie, he makes the obvious wish to pass all his tests. What he did not expect was that the world would change to make his answers right.

5. Leif Huxley starts up a computer dating site where one can have a fantasy relationship with an AI. But then people start being paired with other human beings! And the AIs get jealous and start hacking, stalking, and manipulating the system!! Also, black-sand beaches.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Per a new government order, Amelia Collins must marry her soulmate, James. Well, who the government says is her soulmate, anyway. With the lack of spark between them, she’s not completely convinced. Amelia doesn’t have the luxury of doubt, though. Not if she wants to keep her career. 

As the up-and-coming [top] candidate for the Director position at SOUL, Amelia’s job is to convince people that the Soulmate Algorithm is their best chance at finding love.  [If everyone must marry their soulmate, why is someone tasked with convincing them?] That’s all well and good until just weeks before her wedding, when her ex suddenly reappears, showing up at a charity work event.

Having all but ghosted her three years before, Declan brings not only unresolved feelings but a warning about SOUL. He tells her that SOUL isn’t just finding soulmates, it’s manipulating them. And he knows how. ["How" is interesting to Amelia. I'm more interested in what you mean by "manipulating" them. Can you make that more specific?] 

Despite their messy past, Amelia can’t ignore Declan’s claims, or him. If he’s telling the truth, it would unravel the entire foundation that SOUL was built on – that love is better suited to an algorithm than chance. A narrative that Amelia wholeheartedly supported due to her failed relationship with Declan, until Declan himself returned, and she was reminded of the chemistry between them.

As the proof of Declan’s claim mounts, Amelia must decide what she wants her future to look like. She can continue her career and become even more complicit in SOUL’s manipulation, all the while safeguarding her career and her future. [I wouldn't suggest she's been at all complicit if she knew nothing about it and did nothing with the intention of enabling it.] Or, she could speak out and own her desires, risking her future but retaking control of her life. [My career is down the tubes, 60 people including my fiancé are planning to show up for my wedding, which I'm calling off, and my ex, who I've been bad-mouthing to all my friends for three years is trying to worm his way back into my good graces (as if). I've finally got control of my life.] [By which I mean can we do without owning her desires and controlling her life, and make the choice be between becoming complicit, now that she knows what's going on, or becoming director and exposing the villains and bringing them down?

BROKEN ALGORITHMS is a women’s fiction novel with romantic elements, complete at 88,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the governmental control in THE MARRIAGE ACT and the idea of finding love through algorithms in THE SOULMATE EQUATION. [While those books have fans, those fans aren't necessarily fans of government control and the idea of finding love through algorithms. More accurate would be to say your book combines these elements.]

<Bio>

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.

Notes

This is clear and well-organized, if a bit long. But it will be more compelling if we know what the government (or the evil overlord in charge of SOUL) is up to. Are they trying to take over the world? Turn all the women into Stepford wives?

Has the government declared everyone must marry their soulmate, as chosen by the government? Which is what I thought after your first sentence. Or everyone who works for SOUL must marry their soulmate, as chosen by SOUL? Which might be SOUL's way of promoting their service. "Our algorithm is so perfect, all our employees swear by it." 

Does the current director of SOUL know about the manipulation? Someone there must know about it. When are they planning to tell Amelia?

If SOUL is manipulating the soulmates it finds, and Amelia is about to marry the soulmate it found for her, it seems she would have been subjected to this manipulation. Also, if she's about to be SOUL's director, how does Declan know more than she does about what's going on?

What's Declan's explanation for disappearing for three years and not even making contact? I don't see Amelia forgiving that, chemistry or not.

Is SOUL an acronym, like NASA or DOGE?

Face-Lift 1526

Guess the Plot

Werepire in Italy

1. Janine thought Italy would be the best place to survive her new curse, since surely nobody would notice an extra church spire here or there. Unfortunately, the apologetic note she found when she woke up with a bite mark on her had really messy handwriting, and now she's scrambling to figure out what a pire is before the full moon.

2. Isko is a vampire, but Isko's stepsister's bodyguard thinks Isko is a werewolf. Also, Isko and the bodyguard are sleeping together, which is a bit awkward. Even in Italy.

3. Life as a half vampire, half werewolf is hard enough on the best of days. Only now Sammy learns of an inheritance of a vineyard in Italy. Who would have thought getting a passport to be the simplest of the coming events?

4. What's the best place for a half vampire, half werewolf to retire? Italy, of course! Adolphus has already moved into his new flat on the Via Vaticano when he realizes A. It's very sunny, B. There sure are a lot of crucifixes around, and C. The new pope is experimenting with turning rain into holy water. He might be in trouble.

Original Version

Dear Agent

The Royals Next Door by Karina Halle meets My Roommate Is A Vampire by Jenna Levine in WEREPIRE IN ITALY; a 90,000 word dual-POV queer adult paranormal romance novel.  Vampires killed his mother and brother. [This is already a rejection by most agents. There should be half a dozen commas, no semicolon, and you've put the first sentence of the plot summary in this introduction paragraph, an error you surely would have noticed if you'd read the query before sending it. The agent is thinking, Do I want to try to sell a 90,000-word novel with no punctuation that hasn't been proofread by the author?] [The list of adjectives can do without "dual-POV" and "adult." And I'd put the paragraph after the plot summary.]

So when twenty-two year old Isko Silang turns into a vampire, he does the only thing he can do: flee to a small town in Italy before his father finds out. [I can see wanting to be somewhere else,  but why must he flee specifically to a small town in Italy?] The last [thing] he wanted [wants] his father to do to him was [is for his father to] hate him more than he already does for being born human. [If his father hates him for being born human, why would he hate him even more now that he's not human?] 

Isko tries to bury his worries in the dimples of focaccia bread and ignore the hunger pangs when wine is too viscous. But when his stepsister suddenly plans [decides] to study abroad in Italy everything comes tumbling down. He has to fake a heartbeat and cover the smell of death. He doesn’t expect his family to send  [His stepsister arrives with] their family's bodyguard, Toji Matsumoto, to his home. He’s aloof, quiet, and loyal to his [Isko's] family to a fault and for some reason he believes Isko wants his [step?]sister out of the picture. 

Toji’s tasked to protect the Silang family’s daughter, and he suspects Isko of being a werewolf despite the claims that he’s human. [When a person repeatedly claims to be human, they probably aren't.] Family means nothing in the grand scheme of succession, [Usually family means everything in the grand scheme of succession. Either way, I'm not sure why you're telling us this.] and he would be damned if he let his guard down just because Isko has a way-too bright of a smile and share a bed. [Huh? Who's sharing a bed?] [Also, was that supposed to be a sentence?]

But sharing a bed becomes the least of their concerns when the vampires who turned Isko resurface, and his stepsister’s put in danger. Toji’s torn between fulfilling his duty and whatever’s blossoming between him and Isko. All the while, Isko doesn’t know how long he can keep up with the charades until he succumbs to bloodlust and loses everyone and himself. 

A queer ____ living in ____ who indulges in fantastical worlds and people a bit too much. [Is that your bio?] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Toji, who is loyal to the family, is tasked to protect the sister-in-law, and he believes Isko is a werewolf who wants the sister-in-law dead or gone, but Toji and Isko are hitting the sheets together? 

I don't see the need for the father in the query. Just start with Isko, who has recently become a vampire,  learns that his sister-in-law is coming to his town (with a bodyguard) to study, and plans to stay with Isko.

Something tells me your book needs a lot of work before you start sending off query letters.

Face-Lift 1525

Guess the Plot

It Should've Been You

1. Told daringly in the second person, this novel explores Dan's quest for promotion from weatherman to news anchor, as well as how he is foiled by the dastardly sportscaster, Ellen. At least she's hot.

2. Victoria has a lot to say about her ex from her prison cell. Vengeance will be the tip of the iceberg once she gets out.

3. The ghost of Jacob Marley goes off script and explains to Ebenezer Scrooge that the real plan was for Scrooge to get crushed by that falling piano, not Marley. If it had worked out like it was supposed to, Marley would be the one getting a second chance now!

4. After ten years married to Sage, Aurora is still pining for the relationship she had with Gale, back in high school. Can anything match prom night? First kiss? The back seat of Gale's Chevy?

Original Version

Dear [Agent], 

IT SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU is an 88,000-word standalone women’s fiction novel that will appeal to fans of the star-crossed lovers trope in What You Wish For by Katherine Center and the trauma-driven, dual-timeline structure of The Forgotten Hours by Katrin Schumann.

Twenty-five-year-old Aurora Ridgefield is perfectly content checking off the boxes of a well-planned life: a teaching career, an apartment, her devoted boyfriend, Sage. [That doesn't strike me as much of a list for a life.

In any case, I don't see an apartment as a box in a well-planned life. It's better than a sleazy motel room, or living under a bridge, but traditionally, people want a mansion on a hill or a cottage with a white picket fence.] But she also knows she’s no longer the wild, open-hearted teen she used to be—not like she was with Gale, the boy who saw her in a way no one else ever had. When she unearths an old journal, she’s forced to confront a truth she’s long tried to forget: she never really got over him. [Already she wants to erase the check mark next to Sage.]

At fifteen, their connection is immediate, electric. But before it can become something more, Gale’s parents ship him off to a remote boarding school. Unable to process the sudden loss, Aurora’s free spirit hardens into control. [This paragraph needs to be in past tense.]

Over the years, fate keeps reuniting them—but each time, Gale returns more withdrawn. Finally, he confesses what he’s carried for years: the school didn’t just take him away—it broke him. Loving her only reminds him of everything he’s lost, of the trauma he endured—so she lets him go. [When you say "over the years," do you mean the years between when they were 15 and now, when she's 25? If so, I'm thinking this paragraph should be in past tense too.] [Also, she let's him go? Does he want to go, or does he want her? He opens up and reveals the traumatic course his life has taken, so she dumps him? That can't be the right interpretation, so maybe point out that separating for good is his idea. Possibly because he thinks he's doing her a favor.]

A decade later, [Meaning when Aurora is 35?] Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, [an apartment,] a comfortable life. But the journal leads her to a crossroads—continue the life she’s carefully built, or give her love with Gale the chance it never had. [Was she 25 when she first unearthed the journal, and is she 35 now when the journal leads her to a crossroads? Or is there just one journal event?]

When she agrees to meet Gale one last time, her decision becomes clear: she tells him she has always loved him, even when he couldn’t love himself; but their story is in the past ---and she is choosing her present. [No need to tell us her decision in the query. Though that decision seems at odds with the title.]

By day, I’m a high school English teacher and New Jersey Romance Writers member, living in New Jersey. I hold degrees in journalism, English, and secondary education. This is my debut fiction novel. 

Thank you for your time.

Notes

I have problems with the timeline. First she's 25, and unearths an old journal, then she's 15, then years go by, then another decade goes by, at which point the journal pops up again. If it can be made chronological, it might work in first person throughout:

15-year-old Aurora Ridgefield has her life all planned:

But Gale's sent off to a remote boarding school, and though they see each other occasionally, Gale grows more and more withdrawn. Eventually he confesses that the boarding school broke him, and just seeing Aurora only reminds him of what he's lost.

Aurora graduates from college, lands a job teaching high school English, and has a new boyfriend, Sage, though she's not sure she's ever gotten over the feelings she had for Gale.

A decade later, Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, a comfortable life. 

But once again she unearths her old journal, and finds herself at a crossroads—should she continue the life she’s carefully built, or take it in a new and exciting direction?

Okay, that may not be exactly how it goes, but maybe it should be. I wouldn't be surprised if there were agents who would find these checklists creative and ask for more. In fact, your book could be divided into several parts, each of which starts with Aurora's current checklist. Preferably with more than three items on them.

Face-Lift 1524

Guess the Plot

Rebirth

1. A treatise on the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus on being born again.

2. Tanya has gotten reincarnated as a mayfly for the 364th time. Part of her wants to make it an even year, but most of her is just hoping she'll just upgrade to a fruit fly already.

3. When a complete stranger informs Simon Blut that he is the only one who can save the planet, but to do so he must kill his family, he's torn. There are eight billion people on the planet, but he's fairly fond of his family. Well, most of them.

 4. Joe Galoppagos decides he got his entire life wrong, so he tromps through a pile of religions to find one that'll give him a second chance. He succeeds, but gets it wrong again. How many chances will it take to get Jane to like him?

5. Being born again. And again. And again. And again. You get the idea.

Original Version

Simon Blut killed someone with his right hand on [by] accident. Not with a knife or gun but with the touch of his palm. [How long has he had this power? If just touching people killed them, he'd have killed a lot more than one person. Just shaking hands or ballroom dancing would be deadly. I hope he isn't a chiropractor.] He doesn’t know how until he meets Ava, a woman with the ability to control plants. [I've never found it necessary to control plants outside of trimming the hedges so they don't block the windows. Internet research reveals that some superheroes or villains could control plants. A partial list:

• Poison Ivy: A brilliant botanist, transformed into a human/plant hybrid, who can control plants.
• Swamp Thing: Originally scientist Alec Holland, he became a plant-based creature, allowing him to control and create plant life anywhere.
• Floronic Man: Initially "Plant Master," Dr. Jason Woodrue experimented on himself to become a human-plant hybrid with plant control powers. 

• Plantman: a villain who utilizes technology, specifically a "Vege Ray" gun, to animate and control plants.
• Groot: An alien from a species of sentient trees, Groot possesses superhuman strength, and can control plant life.
• Timberius: An Inhuman with the ability to control plants. 

• Bushroot: A half-duck, half-plant hybrid scientist who can control plants. 

It's not clear what controlling plants entails, but all of these characters, most of whom are, themselves, at least part plant, can do it. For purposes of the query, do we need to know she can control plants?] She is from a magical community that know the secret of his hand: earth’s salvation. [Wait, what? What does that mean? When did this guy's hand become earth's salvation? And how did this community of mutants reach that conclusion?]

The planet is dying but Simon can save it by releasing the power inside him. [Specifically, the power inside his hand. His right hand.] But for this energy to save the world, people would have to die, including his family. [I'm surprised anyone in his family has survived this long.] 

Being torn between saving the earth or his family isn’t Simon’s only problem. [If he saves his family instead of the earth, doesn't his family die anyway? Or are they the only living creatures on a dead planet?] The power can also be released upon his death.  And not everyone in Ava’s group is patient. [So some people want to kill Simon to save the planet? If you're gonna murder someone to save the world, you better have some convincing proof, because the law isn't gonna just take your word for it.

Cop: You killed that guy for no reason!

You: I killed him to save the planet.

Cop: Whattaya mean?

You: His hand was earth's salvation. I had to release the power in him to save us all.

Cop: A bit early to be building your insanity plea, isn't it, pal?]

REBIRTH is an 85,000-word new adult magical realism novel. This is my first work.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Does his palm kill if he wears gloves? I've noticed that most characters with super powers wear gloves, even if their touch doesn't kill innocent people. Speaking of which, who did Simon kill with his right hand, and was he accused of a crime? And when he went on trial, was his defense that his hand is earth's salvation? . . . Actually, that might get him off.

If someone tells me the only way planet Earth can survive is if I kill my whole family, I'm gonna assume they're trying to prank me into doing it. That reminds of this joke by the late, great comedian Norm MacDonald.

This query isn't doing it. You need to summarize your plot. Who's this Simon guy, how did he suddenly become so important, what's his goal? Why does he believe someone who tells him he's Earth's salvation?

What's his plan to attain his goal? What's standing in his way? How does he deal with that?

What will happen he he fails to achieve his goal? If the planet is dying, how can this one guy reverse that? Why would the death of his family be necessarily?

Face-Lift 1523

Guess the Plot

Crown and Thorn

1. A history of the trappings of royalty throughout the ages with photos and illustrations of ceremonies, religious/mystical effects, and the methods of getting the blood/squiggly bits out after a violent change in leadership.

2. Heroes Crown and Throne have been on the scene for years. Yet only their sidekicks, Tiara and Stool, know the trouble brewing behind the scenes. as  they try to keep their mentors in line.

3. Taji rebel Imek Kirshya expects to be executed by the Menahi, but if she can just get out of her chains and cage and get an audience with the king, maybe he'll forgive her and let her resume her rebellion.

4.When the crown of thorns Jesus wore as he went to his first death comes up for auction at Sotheby's, speculation is rampant: will it go to the highest bidder, or the most humble?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A rebellion can be just and it can be brave–but when the other side has more men, cannons, and food, bravery and a just cause aren’t enough to win the war. In chains and entering the Menahi capital as a trophy of war, Taji rebel Imek Kirshya knows it all too well. Her only remaining goal is to die with dignity like her father and her grandfather before her; that way she won’t shame the hidden remnants of her army, who she can feel scrying on her from the mountains to see her fate.

Imek would prefer that they get it over with and behead her already, even if the king is feeling particularly vindictive and decides to also have her dismembered afterwards. Instead, she’s thrown in a cage for public display during the victory celebrations–and curiously enough, some Menahis are taking that as a chance [using that opportunity] to talk to her. There seems to be a political faction that isn’t particularly satisfied [on board] with their nation’s treatment of Taj, and it’s connected with the very man who led the army against her [Imek], Duke Adar Ben-Aiah. They find her presence useful, and at least one of them apparently thinks there['s] might be a better option than executing her.

Imek may not have been able to win [won] independence for her people–but maybe, if she can endure, if she can figure out who to trust, and if she can find a way to balance her personal feelings with her duty, she can seize [might find] opportunities that will [to] give Taj some degree of parity with Menah. And maybe, just maybe, giving up everything for her country will mean finding her own peace, not sacrificing it.

Crown and Throne is a soft magic fantasy novel written tactfully but dealing with mature topics. [Who has magical powers, and what can they use them for?] Inspired by the stories of rebels like William Wallace, Padraig Pearse, and Boudica, it also echoes the difficult balance of desire and responsibility in Intisar Khananai's Thorn, the complex court politics of Megan Whalen Turner’s “The Queen’s Thief” series, and the themes of dignity in captivity of Robin McKinley’s The Blue Sword. It is complete at 112,000 words and has the possibility of a sequel following the perspective of a secondary character. [Two inspirational rebels and two comps would be more than enough.] 

I am a middle school English teacher who spent over half a decade teaching ESL in the Middle East. This is my first novel.

Notes

When you're in chains and thrown into a cage for public view, trying to balance your personal feelings with your duty probably isn't on the top of your to-do list.

I think this reads better if you lose as many of the red words as you can bear to, and that would give you room for a little more of what happens in your book. The Menahi have won the war with Taj, and captured Imek, a rebel leader. At least one Menahi thinks there's a better option than executing Imek. What about the other 111,976 words?

What is this person's other suggested option? Do they help her escape, or convince the king to use her in some way? What's her plan, assuming she's free?

Face-Lift 1522

Guess the Plot

Origins

1. Random people want to ascend to utopia, but to do so they'll have to do a lot of fighting and killing. And they shouldn't talk out of turn.

2. A bunch of superheroes doing pro bono visiting/counseling with supervillains behind bars all get together and talk about who to blame where they came from. But when the shadowy mastermind behind it all comes to light, will they be able to join forces?

3. This prequel novel exhaustively details how every point in the original story came about, from why Mary likes pineapple on pizza to how Bob gained the nickname "Bob" instead of "Rob".

Original Version

Dear [Sci-Fi or Fantasy Agent].

The Ascendancy is absolute… It's also in trouble. 

Underneath the shining imperium, veins of deceit corrupt the purest intent in service of utopia. [The Query is impenetrable... It's also in trouble.] Powered by an imprisoned god, they [Who?] conquer across the realms [What realms?] without resistance, at least, that's what the cover says. [The cover of what?]

Valon has recently discovered that he is a Nine, prophesied to be a hero, but he isn't quite sure what kind of hero. He’s more excited by the fact that his tuition under his father, the man he seeks to emulate as a ruling demigod of war, is about to begin on the garden planet of Zyphoria, but the greenest vines can have the sharpest lessons as Valon starts to learn. Bravery isn't based on the strongest or the one who kills the meanest beast; it's in the tireless heart, and Valon has a lot to learn about himself and Ascension if he is to survive Zypohoria and the Ascendancy.

Seraphina is devout in service to her torments. The Sisters of Mercy (SOM) [No need to tell us the abbreviation for Sisters of Mercy if you're never going to mention them again.] inure the flock to abuse in preparation for Ascension. Why, then, did she just speak out of turn? What is the feeling inside her that compels her actions that are leading her to ruin? All she wants is to Ascend and serve Natura, but now that she hears her voice, she rebels in service of it. [You've used the phrases "in service of utopia," "in service to her torments," and "in service of it," whatever "it" is. Is that your favorite phrase, or is it AI's favorite phrase?] Conflicted, alone and scared for the first time ever, does she heed the voice inside or has she lost her mind like others before her?

Isolde was born a commoner but knows she's not like the rest. She can feel her god calling her, like it has her brother. In saving his life, she is thrust from obscurity into the sights of the noble Houses. Why, then, is getting what she wants suddenly an issue?

High fantasy meets epic sci-fi as magical beasts and mythical warriors contest mech behemoths and augmented demigods of war in an ongoing fight for utopia. Who will rise, and what will be the fate of the realm under the rule of the victor? History will record the winner’s take, that is, the story of the Nine.

The Nine - Book One: Origins (Complete at 145,000 words) is a character-driven epic science fantasy with an interconnected narrative. It features complex characters, political intrigue, theological dogma, large-scale conflicts, and morally ambiguous settings.

The book aims to reach adult and crossover readers in a genre mash-up. Allegorical prose offers deeper exploration throughout the series, examining themes like consequentialism and utilitarianism. The Gardens of the Moon, The Final Strife, and The Stormlight Archive inspired my writing of The Nine, and I aspire for it to sit alongside these seminal works on the bookshelf.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time in review.

Notes

Start over. Choose a main character, and tell us what they want and how they plan to get it.

Then tell us what's preventing them from succeeding, and how they plan to deal with that.

The tell us what will happen if they fail and what decision will determine if they succeed or fail.

Do it all in ten sentences that would be clear enough to be understood by someone who's never read the book, and that tell us the story with specific details. And don't ask questions. We don't know the answers.

Face-Lift 1521

Guess the Plot

Rising Flame, Breaking Stone

1. Two men at the dawn of civilization compete in a contest for the best technological advancement. Ug's idea will bring heat and light to the people, while Lee is certain he can win with something round. But when Lee's hand is crushed, he must put his faith in Ug to bring both their inventions to the finish line.

2. Neither Rising Flame nor Breaking Stone wanted to be a neophyte monk. However, after their monastery is burned and the rest of their fellows killed, they decide it's easier to go after the perpetrators than find their way through treacherous mountains back to civilization.

3. Ravi has dreams of turning his hole-in-the-wall pizza restaurant into a sensation, but then his pizza stone breaks. He sets off on a whirlwind adventure to Italy with his business partner, the stony-faced but gorgeous Mia, to find a new one.

4. Helton has risen from a mere farm boy, thrown into the queen's dungeon for leading a rebellion against the immortal queen, to the queen's latest consort. But can he crack through the queen's stony demeanor before armies from the Otherworld conquer theirs?

Original Version

Dear EvilEditor,

Helton Helvadier [For some reason, that name reminds me of that contest Great Britain held a few years back to name a research vessel, and the winner was Boaty McBoatface, except the government reneged and named it after some dude named Attenborough.] has lost everything: his family farm, his mother, and when long-forgotten magic returns to Levanthia, his sister, killed by his own desperate attempt to wield its power.

Devastated by guilt, Helton falls in with an underground rebellion at his mentor’s urging. [Why does farmer Helton Helvadier have a mentor? To remind him to water the crops? Also, if I've lost my home and my mother, and I just accidentally killed my sister, and my mentor's response is to urge me to enlist in some rebel army, I'm looking for a more compassionate mentor.] But his first mission ends in disaster, unleashing an ancient magic which kills his mentor, [I'm guessing the mentor's last thought was, I shoulda just said, Sorry for your loss.] and landing him [lands Helton] in the castle dungeon where he’s at the mercy of Queen Alysande. Immortal and unchanging, she’s ruled for centuries, wielding [using?] her loneliness as armour. When she drafts Helton into her army, his raw, volatile power becomes a dangerous asset, but also stirs in her a long-buried vulnerability. [It seems unlikely that a queen would be making decisions about who to draft into the army, but even if she is, would she want a guy who was part of the rebellion, and whose only military experience was a mission that ended in disaster?] 

The return of magic brings an existential threat. From the Otherworld of Ionia, rulers hungry for conquest seek to remake their [Helton's? Queen A's? this?] world in their image. Within her kingdom, Alysande’s enemies seize the opportunity to break her fragile hold on power, while the rebellion Helton once followed resurges with a devastating message: to prevent the invasion from Ionia, Helton must kill Alysande and place himself on the throne. [Killing the queen shouldn't be too hard. Placing himself on the throne? He was a depressed farmer who went to work for the enemy one paragraph ago. Now he's an assassin, and he's going to be accepted by whoever's next in line for the throne as the new ruler? Are Alysande's enemies who are seizing the opportunity to break her hold on power going to accept him as ruler? Even the rebels who want him to kill the queen would want one of their own on the throne, not the new kid who just joined their ranks last week.] [Also, how does putting himself on the throne prevent an Ionia invasion? Is Ionia gonna turn back when they discover the ruthless queen has been replaced by a bumbling farm boy magician wannabe?] But as he grows closer to the queen, he is torn between the people who see him as saviour, and the immortal woman he may not be able to live without.

As threats close in from all sides, Alysande must decide whether Helton is her most powerful weapon, or her greatest threat. Their bond is forged amidst the fire of rebellion and the unravelling of magic, a force that could either unite their fractured kingdom or set the world ablaze.

Rising Flame, Breaking Stone is a multi-POV epic fantasy romance complete at 109,000 words, first of a planned saga, with martial-arts-infused combat and a reincarnation-driven magic system. The world, magic and creatures are inspired by folk Taoism and rooted in my multicultural upbringing. The wider saga, The Fractured Eternal explores oppression, generational trauma, and the unrelenting force of healing through love. Prior to querying, I had the pleasure of working with Claire Baldwin, editor of Deborah Harkness’s All Souls Trilogy, to refine the manuscript. [Not sure any editor's work is well-known enough to be worth mentioning in your query.] [With one exception, of course. Feel free to boast that Evil Editor helped you refine this query.] 

When I'm not exploring Levanthia alongside Helton and Alysande, I navigate the everyday chaos of raising tiny people. Thank you for considering Rising Flame, Breaking Stone. I’d love the opportunity to share this story with you.

Warm regards,

Notes

I think we need a better idea of what Helton's magic is capable of accomplishing. Presumably it's Helton's magic that can save the world from Ionia, but all we've seen of it is that it killed his sister and his mentor. And it couldn't prevent him from being locked in the dungeon.

Not sure what it means to remake a world in your image.

There's a fantasy series set in a place called Levanthria, which I only learned about when I Googled Levanthia, and Google asked if I meant Levanthria. It appears to be self published, and only a concern to you if you don't want any confusion with your series.

Ionia is or was a place on our planet, presumably near the Ionian Sea, as I assume you're aware.

Information that makes perfect sense in your book, where you provide background and details, can inspire questions in your query that you don't have room to answer. If that applies to my comments in your plot summary, maybe leave out the info or answer the questions.